I probably should have written this article last year. Being that I was weaned on Rush, that forward look at MLB would have been 2112. We could have talked about how the Temple of Syrinx player payroll of $1.5 billion was over the $1.2 billion salary cap, but they said, “Don’t annoy us further, we have our work to do. Just think about the [batting] average. What use has they for you?”
But, the vision didn’t come then. It came today. I was standing on the edge of my toilet hanging a clock, the porcelain was wet, I slipped, hit my head on the sink, and when I came to I had a revelation! A vision! A picture in my head! A picture of this! It’s baseball 100 years from now!
Bud Selig is Still Commissioner of Baseball
No, Selig is not immortal, but after they brought Ted Williams back to life (he’s playing for the Yankees, as is half of today’s line up), the league’s owners scrambled and did the same for Selig. “As I have said many times, I plan on retiring when my contract is up in 2116. I have moved the A’s and Giants issue about the Athletics moving to San Jose back on the front burner,” but as Selig added, “These things take time, and I don’t believe in rushing.”
The Bullpen Hover Cart
As Doc Brown foresaw with the DeLorean, a hovercraft will become standard travel in the future. Longing for a retro feel at the ballpark, the bullpen cart will make its return, with a modern touch… they’ll hover. “Clubs were worried that driving the cart on this Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia that, whaddaya know from Caddyshack, actually worked, would be damaged by driving over it,“ said one exec off record. “Even though we cut off pot smoking at the end of the 7th inning, we still need to harvest that stuff as it’s a key revenue driver, especially in San Francisco.”
The World Series
Baseball has yet to make its way back into the Olympics, but MLB finally got a World Series. After expanding to 52 teams, with the last being Montreal, the league reaches around the globe. Reached for comment, NFL Commissioner Tim Tebow II, chuckled, “We’re expanding the NFL beyond the moon to Mars next year. Baseball has a ways to go.”
The Bandbox Becomes the Norm
After the Cubs completed the renovation to Wrigley Field, the rest of the league continued to look around and say, “You know what? Size really doesn’t matter. Small ballparks, do.” In 2113 the average ballpark size will be under 5,000. The reason? Television will be so good, you can play archives of FOX games and punch a holographic image of Tim McCarver. Why would anyone want to see games live?
CBA with RoboUmps Not Reached
The 2113 season will get underway but only after a tentative extension of the CBA between the Robo Umpires Association (RBUA) is reached. “We get a bum rap for showboating and getting into it with the players, but when we’re only missing about half as many calls as the human umpires once were, we’ve got a mechanical leg to stand on.”
Every Ballpark Has a Retractable Roof
With pressure to ensure walkups, in the future all ballparks will have a retractable roof. Made of special holographic material, even when it rains, inside it will look as if it’s sunny. The last club to go this route was the Padres. “We can’t take any chances. Even though it’s been at least 30 years since our last rainout, taxpayers knew that if we weren’t competitive with the other clubs in the league, we were going to have to relocate to Brazil,” said the CEO of PETCO Family and Life, the corporate owner of the club.
Public Executions for the Wave during the 7th Inning Stretch
The Wave will become a capital crime. Anyone caught trying to start it during a game is rounded up and publicly executed in center field during the 7th inning stretch. The olde hymnal, “Walk” by Pantera is played.
Artificial Limbs Are the New PEDs
A player received a season long suspension after testing positive for an artificial limb made to look like it was human but in reality had the power of a gorilla. “These players have to understand, our testing is accurate and we have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to gorilla arms,” said Commissioner Selig. “We had our suspicions when the player in question had 45 home runs in 50 at bats.” The MLBPA is appealing.
All Games Are Now Under 2 Hours, Yankees and Red Sox Contracted
Baseball, finally realizing they had a problem with the length of games being too long, takes drastic action and contracts the Yankees and the Red Sox.
Hall of Fame Opens “Hall of Shame” Wing Focused on Loria
People are not perfect, and so goes baseball. After much deliberation, the Baseball Hall of Fame opens a new “Hall of Shame” wing highlighting the worst the game has endured. “It seems only fitting that a large portion of this new display focuses on Jeffery Loria,” said the head of the HOF. “We’re very proud to have this antique home run structure that was in centerfield at Marlins Park be the centerpiece.” According to sources, it took several old drawings and 10 peyote caps for architects to reconstruct it.”
The Cubs finally win the World Series after 204 years of drought. It is declared a national holiday. Baseball fans weep, and talk about how great the game still is. It hasn’t really changed. From the US to territories in the outer quadrant, fans still love the game.
Maury Brown is the Founder and President of the Business of Sports Network, which includes The Biz of Baseball, The Biz of Football, The Biz of Basketball and The Biz of Hockey. He writes for Baseball Prospectus and is a contributor to Forbes. He is available as a freelance writer. Brown's full bio is here. He looks forward to your comments via email and can be contacted here.
Follow Maury Brown on Twitter
Follow The Biz of Baseball on Twitter